TomBond’s Blog

Bond is back on blog..??.. Many reasons drives Bond back to blogging but like previously, Bond dun blog things about his life, coz Bond hardly share his life with people around him. Since Bond can’t really share his things with people, so who else he can turn to when he really need someone to know what he is thinking?.. Guess it’s only Ms. Blog that Bond can turn to.

Bond does not know what appreciation really means and how to apply it to himself and people around him. How do people define appreciation? A 3 years relationship ended not long ago without a common reason, it just ended like how it started, in a blink of eye without expecting it. Although in between the 3 years we did separated for few months, but no matter how, it’s officially ended 3 years later.

Bond often came across with the word appreciate where friends around him keep on reminding him to appreciate things he had. Bond really did appreciate, didn’t him? Or maybe Bond appreciates too many things around him, or appreciates even everything until the real meaning of appreciation become meaningless? People said Bond always cares for people, being concern for others, always be there for people, for everyone, but there’s also people telling Bond, because of this attitude, the one who loves Bond feel insecure, because they felt they have no different with others, they don’t stay a special place in Bond’s heart, and in the end, Bond hurts them.

Does this mean Bond doesn’t appreciate? Or Bond doesn’t care about appreciation as Bond only do things he likes and does it the way he wanted to. If it is a must for Bond to answer, Bond chooses not to care about appreciation, as Bond believes, there’s not a certain way or procedure to show how Bond appreciates people around him. Bond will only do what he can whenever he is needed without border and limitations but at the same time, Bond admits trouble soon will follow up and yet Bond still does it. So be with it as Bond is the way he is, like it or not, that’s Bond.

Appreciates will bring pressure and being appreciate will get tensed coz when one appreciates other, the other party is being protected and when it comes to protections, it leads to restrictions, and from restrictions it grows to “prison”. Soon, friends become lesser and lesser and networks become smaller and smaller, and this will be the time when the question arise, what is the purpose of being appreciated or how is the real way of appreciating? Why does it ends the way it shouldn’t be but then it commonly happens around us?

Since human being is a very complicated living creatures, and Bond is someone who is in advanced stage of complication, Bond chooses to answer it another way which is Bond doesn’t appreciates, and Bond doesn’t know what appreciation is either, coz to Bond, the meaning of appreciation is not that important actually, Bond only knows, whoever gave Bond a dime when he needed it, Bond will pay with his life when Bond’s life is needed, well of coz, depends on situation as Bond’s life is very precious. It is not matter on how the way you appreciates things, it only matters when you do the right things to the right people at the right time. Don’t carry the word appreciate around when you don’t even know what to do with it.

So now Bond is trying hard to appreciate his Ms. Blog, but Bond worries that Ms. Blog will feel tensed and don’t allow Bond to sign in to blog anymore. If Bond didn’t update his blog, it means Ms. Blog is upset so give Bond some time to cuddle with her and Bond will be allowed to blog once again.

            Listening to the song title ‘I’m Sorry’ has finally awakes him from the sarcastic life that he had been all the way. The fake world that he been living since the day he himself doesn’t know when. The world where his life is more superior than others, the world where he live in ego and pride. He is actually just a JERK who always been faking, someone who can’t accept the fact that own self is worth nothing at all. Superior rubbish huh~~~…

           This young man has been living independently since he was a child. He has faced many tough experiences since he was small. The rocky road he walked before is not because of irresponsible parents or unhappy family. Just that he did not cherish and appreciate it well. He was too wild and act rashly according to his feeling, doing whatever things he wanted to do without concerning the circumstances and the feeling of others. Finally he got out of control cause of his eager of getting whatever he wanted, he disappoints his parents, where a drop of tears fall of her mother’s eyes, kneeling in front him with great disappointment looking at this young man speechlessly.

Since the day, the young man feels that the trust between his family and him has broken although this young man really realized that he was wrong. Explanation from him doesn’t change a thing anymore. Whatever he said will be a hesistation before comfirmation and so he started to give up on explaning things. He tried to change, tried hard to change, learn to grow up, learn to act calmly, learn to be good, at least that was what he think he is doing. But now he realized that grow up means the desire in him, the wildness in him at the same time grow too. Act calmly to him means plan everything well where he will have no chance for others to point arrow at him, doesn’t allow anyone to have bad comment on him, masterminding everything that happened around him and finding reason, or the word excuses is much more appropriate to support whatever action he took is the best for everyone is the meaning of learning to be good for him.

As time past, this young man learn to be stronger and stronger, the confident within him has build a very strong wall between him and his friends, even to his family, where he has already learned to live just for himself. And still he finding excuses that his way of living is the correct path and he never regret it. There is some times when this young man will feel loneliness within him and he also realized this is the consequences from the strong wall that he had been and still building. He tried to find a new path for himself, but then how should he begin, or where he should start from, or whom he may seek help and which is supposed path for him? 

This situation continues until he is in a relationship and even till he ends the relationship. Many people has told him that its hard to enter the world within him, its way too complicated inside him, but to him, he can’t even be sure how complicated it is, he can’t even differentiate whether he is really that complicated or he is actually too simple to be understand by other people. He is not what he look like he was, he is just a coward jerk whom trying to act like a gentleman.

He convinced himself and everyone else that explanation is not necessary, but actually he is just too afraid to explain himself, too afraid that people will not believe in what he said. He said he won’t simply promise things that he can’t do, where actually he has no confident in fulfilling the promises he made. He act superior, act like a spotlight to everyone looking tough and attractive, just because he is afraid of loneliness, afraid of being alone. He once think that he can be a good guy, being loyal to the other half, willing to die for her; he really meant to and he be willing to do so but this spirit and determination is not strong enough and slowly decrease and soon disappeared.

Because of the selfishness and the illusions, he soon lost a lot of people that really treat him with their hearts, people that really gave him their hearts, people who really concern about him, and people who willing to die for him and yet this young man leaves them with no explanation for them. He really wanted to explain, to defend himself, to clarify that he doesn’t play with feelings, doesn’t mess with relationship, but his strong wall stops him from doing so. No one except himself know his true feeling, he did not ever play with relationship, not for even once in his life, just the feeling within him has shaded little by little. He blamed himself for his indetermination, his weakness is controlling himself, and he blamed himself for not cherishing the relationship that once in his hand. But no one understand him, no one knows how he feels, no one knows what he is thinking and no one knows what’s his real intention and what he do is keep quiet letting things to be happened just like that.

He had abandoned a lot of people, hurt a lot of people, makes people dropping tears, suffering in emotional feelings, making people’s life a mess and still he didn’t do anything to make things right. He is just so irresponsible and selfish, the only comment he received from others. He knows what’s best for him and yet he just let it go, living in misery but no regret, cause of his wildness and his self egoism. His life has changed in to a mess when he can’t find the balance points within him. He tried to be good but the devil within him is too strong and soon the fight leads to a runaway. He hides himself, run away from everything seeking for fun and happiness just to forget everything. He has been suffering from the battle that’s never end. He thought of giving up, just be according to what he wanted to be but the angel within him stops him from doing so. The same thing happened when he tried to be a good and nice person but the wildness within him has great seduction.

He is nothing but just an angel that is not qualified to be in heaven and a devil that doesn’t deserve to be in hell. The contradiction within him makes him lives in an uncertain life, a misery life, a meaningless life; appearing in family is to waste parent’s money, appearing in people’s life is to take away their happiness, and appearing in this world is to waste air. Till now he still can’t be certain, and he still can’t find the right path or maybe he doesn’t even dare to choose a path for himself. He is just too coward and afraid to make a single decision.

Deep inside his heart, he really tried everything he can, tried hard on fixing his life, fixing everything right, he did tried to change even till now he is still struggling. He is afraid that he will abandon more and more people hurt more people around him and so he stops himself from stepping forward. His worry of hurting people in the future that leads him to stop his moves is once again hurt people indirectly. Giving hopes to people with no single action took by him made him seems to be fooling around with relationship. Hopes given and taken back at the same time, false illusions given, blank promises made, everything is just fake for them cause of a coward useless jerk that was born on this world by mistake.

He realizes during his 22 years of lives, he did a lot of mistakes, hurts a lot of people, he is really sorry for all of that but he has no point of return. He can’t be clear when he is doing it until he has done it. He doesn’t mean to do things that can hurt people, he didn’t even have a single thought of hurting people and yet things turn out the other way wrong. The word sorry doesn’t mean anything, as it’s just a word, and he knows many people doesn’t want to hear the word sorry coming out from his mouth, but the only word he can think of is sorry. He is sorry with deepest regret on what he has done. He has no other word but just to say he is really sorry….really sorry…sorry…

           Love would be the most interesting “thing” on earth where the real meaning of love is still indescribable. There is no absolute or precise meaning of what love really is. Different person will have different interpretation of what love is and they have different way of finding it, keeping it and expand it. People normally said that love come when it is time and it can’t be chase away no matter what. But the question arise here how only you know it is time and you didn’t made a mistake? It is really depends on fate and just sit there wait for the time to come? There are people who are passive believing that love will come by itself. Well I believing love is in one self’s hand, at least it is more secure coz I believe efforts are needed in archiving things. There is possibility that free lunch will be delivered straight to you but if you are not the lucky one then until when you will keep on hiding there being passive. You dare to have a feeling towards someone then why not have the guts to tell the person? Start taking action or else wait for regret.         

            Same thing, different interpretation leads to different way of keeping the love you had. Basically there are few ways and most common I noticed is both parties keep on giving or shall I say sacrificing for each other just to hope that their relationship will last longer. But this attitude will only happened when the couple is brand new and the sacrificing things last for some time and when either one party had enough of it, there goes their relationship, back to zero. Another type would be the protective type which a single or both parties has a wall in front of them worrying that they will get hurt from each other. Another thought would be that if they give too much, the other party would not appreciate it and they think that things that are too easy to get will not be important to them. This eventually leads to less sacrifice and misunderstanding would happened that the protective party does not have enough confident in the relationship or it is not worth it for the non-protective party to keep on sacrifice for the other party. Well actually there’s nothing such as sacrifice in relationship especially love. All you need is acceptance. If you accept the way your partner is from beginning there wouldn’t be sacrificing. Accept the way he or she is not changing it into a person you wish to have. If so then why you choose he or she to be your life partner as you can choose anyone coz you will only change it to the person you like. You only like him or her acts the way you want then anyone who can do so also can be your life partner isn’t it? Bear in mind you love your partner because he or she attracts you the way he or she is at your first sight. Total respect and acceptance in the relationship will ensure you that the relationship will last as long as it can and your love towards each other will automatically grow deeper and deeper. I know it is hard in practicing it but try it as it will not bring you any harm.

            My way of thinking is there is nothing such as love eternity or love at first sight. You don’t even know who he or she really is and you admit that you are in love at first sight. You are only attracted to his or her appearance and attracted has big different with love. Think deeply and see. For me loves grows from likes and likes come from attracted. First you were attracted to each other then both of you feel comfortable and likes to hang out together. As time passed by likes grows to love where both understand and knows each other well. Love will only last for some time and it will go into the next stage where it is called “used to”. This stage is both parties are used to each other existence and life would be miserable if either one if missing. Couple that last till old and till end of their life is because of they are used to each other being with each other all the while. Back to the word acceptance, you can only get used to each other is because you already accept the way he or she is and the role he or she plays in your life.

            In the other hand, if you don’t accept you will feel that he or she is not in loves with you anymore because you will have a feeling where he or she doesn’t care you anymore. Actually the problem is in you because you expected him or her to do more than what he or she is doing now. Well for sure he or she will treat you the same way he or she is; just that you thought that there is no improvement from the other party means that you are not important in his or her heart. Think the other way round, from the first day he or she said “I love you” to you and the treatment from that day till now is same doesn’t mean that he or she still loves you the way he or she is? Remember to appreciate what you have and not to ask for more because you will only happy if you know what you really have now.

              Have you ever thought what’s your role in this world is? Sometimes I wonder why I am here on earth. What’s actually the purpose of being here doing the things I am doing everyday? There’s thinking when I was small that this world begins with baby and ends with old people and the old people that passed away will go to other places where that place begins with old people and ends with baby and the baby will come to this place and begins their life. Have you ever wonder about this? There was two saying when I tell around my friends that I am imagining things way too far and too much while some says my thinking is very deep and hard to calculate. In this situation I notice that no matter normal or abnormal, it’s just a very tiny line between them. Its all depends on how you think not how people see. What I believe is things that people never see or hear before doesn’t mean it does not exist. Since there are possibilities people say it’s impossible to happen then for sure it will have its possibilities for it’s possible to happen.

                Back to the topic I did wonder that I am on this earth just to fill in the empty spaces or maybe I am worth nothing at all. Living on the earth wasting the space, air and minerals. People getting smarter and technologies getting more modern but the earth’s condition getting worst. A big question that makes me disappointed in life is why human being enhanced themselves to destroy own self? No matter how advance the technologies, how smart a person and how good a leader is it still lead to same old consequences and its getting worst and worst.

                But if it’s not the purpose of life on earth then what’s the real purpose of living here? I wonder for a long time and still no answer came out from me. Everyday doing the same routine of the day and time passed away days by days, what’s the meaning and purpose of it? The common process of life is study since small, enter universities, graduated and enter working society, marriage and have own family, the same process continues to the next generations and the older generations passed away peacefully. Feels like we are just passing by this earth, leaving something behind and keeps on the journey to other places. We might just passed by here and the process of few decades on earth is just a few minutes of your life out there on your real journey. This might be ridiculous or it might give your some inspiration. Try to think hard what’s the real meaning behind. Use the free time and simply think about what’s your role on earth. It might give you a light when you are in darkness or it might as well fill up your bored time.

This is the first time I post up a post in my blog or I can say first time bloging… Let’s just say about what I have learned in these 21 years of my life living here on earth as a normal human being. I noticed that most of the thing that happened around me it does not really look like what you see with your eyes. There are some hidden meanings that you really need to put time and heart into to it for you to really understand the real meaning of it.

Recently I learned the true meaning of success. I never wonder what success really mean to me and it’s just a simple word that little kid can explain what success is. It is something like study hard to get good grades for a better job in the future and high income for better living. Living in luxuries, able to tour around the world and getting whatever best for own self means success; this is what success really mean…???

Well everyone have different interpretation and different way of thinking. But to me, success doesn’t really mean that way. To me success is something like having no regret in future. Appreciating my life today, and able to give happiness to people around me is what I meant by success. And still it’s hard to be done coz it’s not easy to be a successful person like old people saying. Life worth living when you yourself and people around you are happy but not trying to archive something that own self have no confident in archiving it but only know how to fully concentrating on the process of archiving while at the same time ignore a lot of things around them. If everything around you is ignored and time passed by without knowing it and you keep on with your daily routine, then what’s the real meaning on living on this earth? You born to work and you work till die. Think twice now and imagine when you are old your children or might as well or grandchildren ask you,” Dad/Mum, have you ever did something that you feel proud of or something that still remains fresh in you memory?”. What would your answer be?.. Thinking back that from the day you were born till the next generation was born what actually you have been doing?

Even you have a luxury house, an expensive car, and jewelries, it only things that are physically fulfill you. Does all of this really worth a change with your lifetime? If everyone in this world agrees with that then there will be no hope for a better tomorrow. I believe that things shouldn’t be over concentrated in and try put more cares and love to thing surrounding us no matter living or non-living, the world might as well will be a much more coloring world as your warmness spread all around it. All I know is there are always thing more important than thing you thought is the most important as time will reveal it sooner or later so do not be regret when the real answers are revealed. Try to see this world from another perspective or you can try seeing using a bigger scope of view. The world will be a lot better. Peace…!!!